Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no