they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
the official breakfast of 2021
Can’t, holding a grudge
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
my professor scared me for a second
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’