I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Noah
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence