I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
You Might Also Like
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.