FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.