Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
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Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?