My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
*Seductively hides in the woods
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong