Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*