If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You Might Also Like
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Hank is one in a melon.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao