Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*