[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks