There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?