me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
im 7 sauces long
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.