This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Every time.
me when i see my girls butt
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.