Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.