Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.