exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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Damn he played himself
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
everyone has that one prude friend
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again