ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them