My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.