Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.