doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*