That was easy.
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate