I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
did it work
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”