There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Rooting for the overdog
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.