My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you