cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.