You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.