No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
You Might Also Like
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
the composer