[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
How high do the levels go?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood