GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
early stone age tool
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.