Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
They did not think through this water fountain
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time