snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Yup….perfect score!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien