Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.