📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.