IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You Might Also Like
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“No way.” -Jose
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.