*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
You Might Also Like
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month