A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you