thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You Might Also Like
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My beach vacation Google searches
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.