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Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Dead sexy!!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.