Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.