Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.