Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.