cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…