If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.