It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
the three branches of government
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.