my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Whoa 😂
Okey dokey.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*