You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A game married people play.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.