Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Bless you
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL