It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.