Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.